Ten Steps To Conflict Resolution

When it comes to successful conflict resolution, one of the key factors in determining outcome is the ability to manage negative feelings. Conflicts that are driven by frustration and anger are typically ones characterized by rapid rates of thinking and speech, rapid heart rate, muscle tension, interruptions, and an adversarial (win-lose) style of communication. When both persons involved in a conflict engage in this way, then even mild feelings of frustration can quickly escalate and trigger our primal fight-or-flight responses of retreat and/or aggression. Since conflict is inevitable in our relationships, it is critical to utilize strategies that allow us to keep our frustration and anger firmly in hand while we identify options for successful resolution. Consider this ten step approach to successful conflict resolution:

1. Maintain a calm and respectful tone.
2. Avoid blaming, defensive, aggressive, demanding, or contemptuous responses.
3. As soon as you recognize that you or the other person are interrupting; raising your voice; talking over each other; or expressing anger, sarcasm, contempt, or hostility in words or tone, then offer yourself and/or the other person the alternative option of either speaking calmly and cooperatively or else taking a time out and resuming the conversation at a later time.
4. Take a couple of deep breaths before speaking. This is relaxing, increases the flow of oxygen to our brains, and helps us to think flexibly.
5. Slow down and make sure to pause before speaking or responding.
6. In spite of differences in opinion, lay the groundwork for collaboration and agreement by finding something in what the other person is saying to validate and agree with. Making this effort to establish rapport in spite of disagreement is critical for setting a cooperative tone and achieving resolution.
7. If the other person is agitated, repeat or paraphrase what you hear (even what you disagree with) in order to slow things down and allow them to feel heard.
8. Continue to utilize a collaborative approach and tone by summarizing not only your own opinion but that of the other person.
9. Once you are confident that there is sufficient positive rapport between you, ask the other person for their suggestions for a mutually agreeable outcome. Treat even unacceptable ideas with complete respect, explain your concerns, and offer your own alternative solutions when needed.
10. If no win-win solutions can be identified, consider letting the other person have their way (perhaps in return for a future concession), seeking ideas from others, or pursuing mediation.