From Conflict To Resolution

At the very moment you are reading these words, conflicts are erupting all over the world. Everything from minor conflicts to major wars are happening, and they all follow a typical pattern. Someone makes a comment or declaration that offends or rubs someone else the wrong way. The offended party reacts negatively to what they’ve heard. The offending party either disagrees with the objection or the manner in which it is expressed. Both parties then react to each other by competing to assert their opinion and win agreement with their own point of view. And within this cauldron of negative reactions, a conflict is born. When it comes to successful conflict resolution, this common tendency towards reactivity is a recipe for failure. The likelihood of successful conflict resolution is significantly increased when one or both parties monitor and are attentive not only to the words but also to the emotions of the other person, and take steps to defuse negative reactions when they occur. Recognizing intense negative emotions as the red flag that they are, and taking the necessary steps to defuse them is critical. Otherwise a conflict is highly likely to turn into a destructive cycle of criticism, defensiveness, and futile argument. This approach to defusing negative emotions and reactivity consists of the following three steps:

1.  Slowing down the pace of the conversation by pausing before responding and by reiterating what the other person said so that they feel better understood. People tend to resist such reiteration because they perceive it as agreement with or conceding to the other person’s way of thinking. However, reiterating someone’s comment is not agreement, but rather an acknowledgement and indication of understanding. This kind of validation makes it easier for someone to consider the other person’s point of view.

2. If the above strategies are not sufficient to create a constructive atmosphere for discussion and the conflict continues, then it is time for a more proactive approach to changing the dynamic of the interaction. This means that discussion of the conflict is temporarily suspended, with the understanding that both parties will return to the discussion at an agreed upon time. This offers each person a valuable period of respite, during which they will each have the opportunity to further reflect upon their point of view as well as that of the other party.

3. When the concerned parties reconvene, they come to an agreement on guidelines to promote more constructive discussion of the conflict. Agreement to abide by rules such as discussing one issue at a time, refraining from interrupting, and ensuring that each person is given an equal opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings are invaluable, along with an agreement that the goal of the discussion is to identify an outcome that satisfies the needs of both parties. This proactive approach will substantially decrease reactivity, and leads to the kind of collaborative and cooperative environment that is needed if we are to achieve greater success in resolving conflict and creating a more peaceful world.